I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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