tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
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I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
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Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
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