you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
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Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
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I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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