and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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