im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
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She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
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I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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