I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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