She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
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They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize