I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
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I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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