I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
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it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
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You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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