I accidentally had phone sex last night
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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