Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
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That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
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If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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