made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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