so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
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The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
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After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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