So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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