I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
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I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
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I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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