I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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