I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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