I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
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oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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