I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize