I'm so fucking centered right now
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
My vagina is very pro this idea
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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