my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
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His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
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If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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