I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
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My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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