Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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