I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
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Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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