You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
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He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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