We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
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So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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