Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
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I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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