Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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