I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
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i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
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