i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
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I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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