Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
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when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
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Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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