i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
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We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
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You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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