So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
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$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
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I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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