alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
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Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
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I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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