He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
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He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
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Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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