sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
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I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
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Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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