Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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