Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
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We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
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So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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