I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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