He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
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Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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