Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
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A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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