hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
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You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
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All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My life is pants optional.
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