i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
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If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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