it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
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How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
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Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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