I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
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I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
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You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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