my being single is dangerous.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
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I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
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I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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