Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Is Oprah even human
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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