Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
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