mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
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When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
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I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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