Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
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Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
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I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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